Dear Mr. Wickham,

Just a brief preface. So I have been on a Pride and Prejudice mood for the past couple of weeks. Who am I kidding? I am always in a Pride and Prejudice mood. Partly because I have never related so much to a character as I do to Elizabeth Bennet. Anyway, I decided to write a letter to the dear Mr. Wickham from Elizabeth's point of view (and my own). This letter might seem harsh, but Elizabeth (I) is only speaking truth. And if you read this and think, wow, what a bitter and harsh letter, I will have you know that Mr. Darcy's letter is coming, and it will look totally different from this one.

Dear Mr. Wickham,

I do not appreciate you coming into my life with your charm and striking good looks. I have been most deceived by your demeanor. You seemed so intentional. You talked to me about your life, and I listened. I talked to you about my life and you listened and you took note and you remembered. However, I realize now that this was all an act. I looked forward to our conversations and encounters, but I was most deceived. I was just another object of your not-so gentlemanly affections. I should have noticed all along. It was all about you and your vanity. Could you manipulate women to pity you and give their affections to you? Yes, you could. And you did. And you still do. I was blind at first, but I am no longer deceived. Mr. Wickham, I suggest that perhaps you should take a look at your faults and refine them for they are not so much or in anyway endearing to me. I only wish the others could see what I see in you, which is the truth, and that truth is your selfishness far exceeds your selflessness.

In other words, Mr. Wickham, you are a complete tool. You think because you are charismatic and attractive, that you can treat women however you want. Like they are just objects in your little game. You wonder how many women you can mess around with. How many women will find you attractive? It is all a search to see who will get you furthest in life. You sweep through and hurt women. You are raising their hopes and then crushing their spirits as you leave them behind. You are not guarding anyone’s heart. Listen here, player, player, I suggest you get real and get right with your intentions if you want any real and true relationship in your life, and if you don’t care about that, I still suggest you stop because I am not okay with you breaking girls hearts.

My Sincerest Wishes,
Elizabeth Bennet

The Generally Sane Mind's Guide to Paranoia

You might need to read this to sympathize with the fears of your paranoid. You may never understand their over-the-top fears, but at least try to respect their nerves.

The Generally Sane Mind’s Guide to Paranoia:

1.     We are not joking. Don’t test us. We will get mad and more paranoid.

2.     Really.

3.     Check your surroundings in all public areas. Over the shoulder. Double-Take.

4.     Speak in general terms. No names. No details. Reserve names and details for a safe location and a safe confidant.

5.     Butt-Dialing is a severe fear.

6.     So are accidental texts to the wrong person. Oh, you sent a text to the person you were texting about? Try to get out of that one.

7.     Safe locations are never safe. They are just the least of all the evils.

8.     People have intuition. They can sense what you are thinking, however, we overestimate how much people sense. This doesn’t matter to us. It means nothing. People always know.

9.     People will always find out unless you adhere to the strictest of all rules.

10.  If you don’t care, it doesn’t matter. We always care.

No, I Don't Have an iPhone.

Everyone and their mom has an iPhone.

Except me.

But really. My mom has an iPhone and not me.

She did tell me that once the new and improved iPhone upgrade comes out that I can have her old and decrepit ancient iPhone, and she will get the upgrade. Gee, thanks mom for your outdated gift. (But really Mom, I don’t mind! Really.)

Without an iPhone, you are behind the ages my friends, let me just tell you.
I am hanging out with a group of people, no big, and there always comes a time when you are chilling more than you are talking. So naturally everyone pulls out their iPhones except for me because I don’t have one. They start cruising the internet, finding out what is going on in the world, facebook stalking, and I am just lost. Hmm, who can I text, so I can be cool and on my phone like everyone else? No it doesn’t work that way.  So I am just the girl sitting in the corner without all the information.

Emphasis on the without all the information. I am on a need to know basis and a must know what is going on at all times without anyone actually knowing that I want to know this information agenda, so yes, an iPhone would come in handy.
Also I like sharing facts to make my stories more credible. You know I like to tell stories. (see The Rules of Storytelling post) Sometimes I am stretching for information, and I can’t remember all the facts so I think, “Hey, I need to google this stuff.” Wait. I don’t have internet on my phone.

And what about those times when I have that name or fact on the tip of my tongue, and it is just not coming. I have to wait in misery until I am back and around a computer to look that up. It is not a fun feeling. Trust me.

So needless to say I am behind the times. I am probably missing something really big here. Some feeling of entitlement that only belongs to iPhone holders. Man, I am on the outs. I feel like once I get my mom’s iPhone, I am going to be so far behind in this generation of iPhone holders that I will already be too far gone. There is probably no hope for me.

Oh well, I will just stick to my little blue Intensity II. Yes, the Intensity II. A very fitting phone for me, don’t you think?

Squirrels

Distractions are a hot mess.

And so am I. My minor is actually ridiculousness/ intensity.
And I am distracted again.
I feel like I am that Dog from Pixar’s Up. You know, Dug?

Squirrel!

He can be in the middle of a conversation and then, oh hello, a squirrel comes into his peripheral, and then he is gone.

That is me.
I can’t tell you how many squirrels I have in my life right now.
Around a group of people I go crazy. Do you know how many distractions a large a group of people provides for me? That answer is incalculable. Hello, sensory overload!
And that is not fair to other people. I am not giving them the attention they deserve. I am giving me the attention I don’t deserve. Selfish.
My distractions all go back to the fact that, I, Kathleen, am selfish to the core, and I want to please me. Lame.

Yes, I know we all love Dug. He is super cute, and he hides under our porch because he loves us! (Yeah, you don’t see me doing that. Maybe, I should?) But I can’t let these squirrels in my life distract me from loving and serving other people.

1 Corinthians 7:35

I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. (NIV)

So what do I want to do with my life right now? Today?
“Get real, get right
For you will not be distracted by the signs
Do not be distracted by them
Do yourself favor and get real
Get right with the Lord.” (Get Real Get Right, Sufjan Stevens)

Sufjan’s lyrics speak right to my heart as always. Man, those words are straight up truth. That should have been my whole post.

Do you have squirrels in your life you need to get real and get right with the Lord?

The Sarcasm Bell

I have been onto this idea for a while now.

I sometimes have communication issues.
Yes, I know you might be thinking that I am well-spoken, well-mannered, and possibly the most humble person you’ve ever met, but beyond all that, I have serious communication issues.

Let me key you in.
I am a fairly sarcastic person.

I am sorry if you didn’t know that until now because you probably hate my guts, and I can’t say I blame you.

I am probably really being serious maybe 12% of the time, mind you, that is a rough guesstimation. 

Yes, many people are sarcastic, but they don’t fit my particular breed of sarcasm. I don’t have that cheesy sarcasm show tune voice, like when people use “Well, you don’t say!” in that super annoying, over-the-top voice. I know you know what I’m talking about. My sarcasm often comes off as super serious. There is probably only a 2-degree difference between my sincerity and sarcasm. The problem, you ask? People sometimes think I am cold, harsh, and maybe arrogant. Which I don’t want to be at all. I want people to know I am kidding without adjusting my humor!

Sarcasm is also my number one defense mechanism. So people attack me with their sarcastic knife, and I defend myself with my sarcastic shield. But people don’t understand the sarcastic shield either, and they think I am being serious. They think I am genuinely hurt or something. No. I’m not. (Unless I think you’re being serious, then I’m not using the sarcasm shield, but I am using the “Are you freaking serious?” face, but that is a whole other topic for another time.) They often say to me “I’m just kidding!” Well, so am I!! Jeesh. People these days.

So I came up with a solution. No, I am not quitting sarcasm because that would just be malarkey. I would be surrendering a huge chunk of who I am, and that is not gonna fly. No, I am not going to use that show-tune sarcastic voice because well, that is cheesy, and I don’t really like cheese too much.

My solution: The sarcasm bell.

Occasionally I find myself ringing an invisible bell and just saying “Sarcasm bell! Yay!” after I see a person hurt/ confused/ angry after one of my comments. However, I want an actual bell. It needs to be attached to my keys, so that way, when a person is a victim of my sarcasm, I can just ring it!

I am thinking I should actually look into making this a business prospect. I can’t be the only person who suffers from this problem.

I probably need a sarcasm font too…