Band Names

I’m really into music, but that’s old news.  Does that count as a hobby? It’s all perspective. And that’s life.

Although, I do enjoy doing one particular thing that I know absolutely counts as a hobby. Obscure as it is, it is still a hobby nonetheless. In fact, I would love this to be my career, but who actually makes a living out of their obscure hobbies? Mark Zuckerberg (made a living out of screwing people over. Obscure enough? … I still love you Marky Z!) He is the exception, not the rule. I digress.

Anyway, I know you are squirming in your seats to read about my obscure hobby, so I won’t let you suffer any longer.

And that hobby would be…

Creating band names!  So. Much. Fun. And all humility aside, I would say that I am pretty rockin’ at it. (See what I did there?)  

The name is the heart and soul of a band. I mean who really cares about the music and lyrics anyway? Psh. It’s all about the name. Shakespeare didn’t know what he was talking about when he had Juliet say, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Does anything Juliet say really have any validity at all? Homegirl was 14, so I’m going to say no. Not to mention, she killed herself over a pretty boy. Girl, please. I digress again!

Band names. Heart and soul.

But really, people should hire me to do this stuff for them.

But since people are not hiring me to do this stuff for them, I have found other ways to put my hobby to use.

The most obvious way is that I create fake bands. Easy enough. I get real with the members. The Golden Rods are my love child. We have Luke Lawrence- lead vocalist and guitarist, Alex Banner on bass, Jared Uldridge rocks the keys, and Derek James owns the sticks. Solid band.

Another way I like to put to use band names- You are in a group of people and something happens that you feel the need to include your commentary, but you don’t want to be too blunt, so you throw out a band name.

For example, your friends Ricky and Leah have been extreme flirting all night. You’ve got the classic banter and the obvious tension.

So what do you say? “Hey guys, have you heard of that band Sexual Tension? They are owning it this year.”

Another example would be when you are talking to those people. And by those people, I mean the ones that you don’t really connect with at all and find yourself fighting the Mongols to make conversation. So what do you say? “Hey, this reminds me of this one song, ‘Forced’ by this amazing local band, Small Talk. Have you ever heard of them?”

Band names. They are great. Great for a band’s integrity. Great for conversation. Now if only people could pay me to do this. But they aren’t, so I’m in college, studying liberal arts.

Backhanded Compliments

I don’t know when people decided backhanded compliments were an acceptable form of praise and encouragement. Worst idea ever. This coming from possibly one of the most (tastefully) offensive people I know, myself. If you’re going to compliment me, please go all out. It’s most flattering, and expect me to be especially thankful. If you want to critique me, please, by all means, go all out, and expect me to respond passive aggressively. It may burn, but I would rather it burn than feel the weird sensation of icy-hot that is backhanded compliments.

Examples, you ask? My pleasure.
(All of the following are dramatizations unless otherwise noted)

1. Me: So, remember that guy Ryan I told you about? Well, he asked me to go to dinner with him this weekend.

“Complimenter”: Really!? No way! I never thought a guy like him would ask a girl like you out on a date. He’s way hot. Props!

Time-out: I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to take this. A guy like him? Are you saying a hot guy can’t ask me out for dinner? What kind of girl does that make me? Not hot? And props? Really? Props? Who uses props (other than thespians) anymore? Icy-hot.

2. “Complimenter”: It’s too bad we can’t be roommates at Harvard. I was really looking forward to it. But you know, UGA’s not a bad school. I mean, it’s no Harvard, but it really is quite prestigious if you’re from Georgia.

Time-out: Are you really rubbing the fact that you got into Harvard and I didn’t into my face? I mean, that’s okay, you are making me feel better by telling me the school I did get into, even if it is no Harvard, is decent, if you’re from Georgia. But doesn’t the state of Georgia have one of the worst school systems in the nation? So I guess this does make me smart by Georgia standards indeed. Icy-hot.

3. “Complimenter”: You’re not as big as you used to be!

Time-out: So you’re saying I’m still big? Icy-hot.

4. Me: Just got a personal best on my mile! 7:30, baby!

“Complimenter”: Hmm, 7:30? Not bad! I must say, today was not my best day at all. 5:55 is not gonna cut it.

Time-out: Okay, it started out decent, but did you really have to go on? If 5:55 is not going to cut it, then what is my 7:30 to you? Thanks for making my personal best look embarrassing. Icy-hot.

5. “Complimenter”: You’re pretty now, so I can introduce you to my friends!
Time-out: (This one is a true story, no exaggeration. However, I’m not going to throw the person under the bus who said this to me. You know who you are.) So you’re definitely saying I wasn’t pretty before. I’m glad you think I’m pretty now though. But was I really so hideously troll-like before that you couldn’t introduce me to your friends? I am glad I have made such a miraculous transformation. Icy-hot.

So there you have it folks, backhanded compliments galore. Aren’t they fun? (Sarcasm bell) Give me the compliment or give me the critique, darn it! I don’t want this ambiguous backhanded compliment. Have the balls to say what you really mean! I can take it. I promise.

Disclaimer

I feel I’ve been misunderstood. Normally I wouldn’t care, but this has just led to way more controversy than I’m comfortable with.

So I thought I would provide a brief explanation of everything Kathleen. Okay, most definitely not everything, but certainly a huge part of my heart and soul:

My sense of humour. (Yeah, I did spell it the British way, and naturally, I only did that for the controversy.)

Which is obviously a huge chunk of who I am because I’m hilarious… 

Anyway, I love irony. It’s how I function. How I deal. How I love. How I hate. How I do.

How do I incorporate irony in my everyday life?

·      Blog Posts

·      Facebook Statuses

·      Pictures

·      Ideas

·      Interpersonal Communications

·      Intrapersonal Communications

And you people aren’t getting it! It is quite wearisome having to explain myself all the time. It defeats the purpose. You people.

So that leaves me with a few options:

1.    Continue explaining myself

2.    Stop explaining myself and accept that people are going to think I’m either (a) a pretentious douche bag or (b) a moron.

3.    Quit Irony Cold Turkey (and right before Thanksgiving too? I’m not sure about this option…)

I don’t really like any of the above options, so they’re not gonna happen.

But this blog post is happening. So consider this my disclaimer. (Oh, and I’m still considering getting that sarcasm bell. I really think that would work wonders.)

Warning: I’m ironic. And hilarious. And hot. And humble. (Yay! Irony!)

I would also like to provide a shout out to the people who do get my irony. I don’t know where I would be without you. Probably friendless. So thanks! ; )

Expectations vs. Reality

I really love that mainstream-indie film 500 Days of Summer. (Oh, hipsters, does that oxymoron bother you? I’m sorry. Sarcasm Bell.)
Yeah, you know it.

I think it’s quite the little gem, although, don’t even get me started on Zooey Deschanel…she’s so boring. Yeah, yeah, I get that these are fighting words, but I will stand by them…I digress.

There are so many great things about this movie from the witty screenplay to the awesome soundtrack to the unique art direction, but I must say that one of my favorite scenes in that entire movie and probably one of my favorite scenes in a movie ever is the “Expectations vs. Reality” scene. Genius. Absolutely genius. I think the whole concept should be its own movie.

If you haven’t seen 500 Days of Summer, let me give you some insight on this particular scene. You honestly don’t need to know the plot to understand it. At this point in the movie, the screen is split into two screens, and one screen is labeled expectations, while the other screen is labeled reality, and the scene is played out as such for the main character Tom: His expectations and the actual reality. The two different scenes start off so strikingly similar, and then the subtle differences start to come into action. How genius!?

The reason why I love this scene so much is because it is so relatable. Do we not imagine our expectations every day? Have in our mind exactly how our day is going to look?

I am going to study for this test and obviously get an A.

I am not going to say something stupid today and embarrass myself.

I am going to go on a hot date, and we’re going to drink hot tea and talk about good music, good films, Harry Potter, Jesus, college football, appreciate each other’s irony, and we’ll just be hot.

My day is going to go like this and this and this. Right?

My point being, we all do it. We all have these expectations. And these expectations we set up for ourselves hardly ever reflect what reality actually looks like. And we know why. Because life is unpredictable. We can’t control it no matter how hard we try. Oh, you don’t like that? Tough. So let me quote Remy from Ratatouille on this topic,  “The only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability.” (You better believe I just cross-referenced Pixar.) So you better get over it. And no, I’m not going to tell you to stop building expectations. That’s just silly. We’re human. It’s what we do. I’m just going to tell you that life’s most likely not going to happen the way you set it up in your head. I personally love that because it keeps me guessing! I appreciate the unpredictability of life. Sadly that means I haven’t been on a hot date where we talk about all of the listed above, but where’s the fun in me planning that. Sigh, expectations…

Yes, sometimes reality sucks.
But that’s okay because that makes the moments where reality is actually better than your expectations even sweeter.

The Real, The Fake, and The Absurd

Oh, my major you ask?
I am a Journalism and Sociology major.

…

Yes, that’s your cue.

Go ahead. Ask it. I know you want to.

Okay, I’ll ask it for you.

“What are you going to do with THAT?”

I am so sick of that question! I am not worried about it, and you shouldn’t be either-person I just met.

You can laugh too. I mean it wouldn’t be the first time.

Or Gawk.

Oh, this is my favorite reaction. Journalism is not going to exist in the next few years.(Thanks for the support Grandma!) It is becoming obsolete. Umm News Flash! (see what I did there? Most definitely not becoming obsolete) Just because journalism is now heavily online doesn’t mean that it will not exist anymore. People are nosy! We need to know what is going on or else we won’t survive! Journalism is going to be just as alive 20 years from now as it was hundreds of years ago. Okay, let me step off my soapbox and get on with my post.

The point is I am sick of this outward judging of my life choices. You can inward judge me all you want. Because I don’t really care what you think. Oh, was that harsh? Well so was laughing at my majors.

So to prevent the outward judging, I have designed a plan. I mean “not to toot my own horn” or anything, but I think it is a pretty good one.

My plan: I have 2 hypothetical majors and my 2 actual real ones. I will share these majors dependent on who I am talking to and my mood. Allow me to elaborate.

The Real:  Journalism and Sociology

This is reserved for people I will most likely see again. And people I can actually see myself developing a sustainable friendship with. They deserve the truth, I guess.

The Fake:  Pre-business- Marketing

This is reserved for adults and practical people.  Or people I just don’t feel like dealing with as they question my motives. I mean you can get a job with this! This is an extremely marketable (BOOM! I am on fire with the puns today) major. It is not as challenging to find a job with this major. What a practical major! I get the adult seal of approval. Yay! I tell these people this is my major, and I will get mmhmms and oh yeahs with some fervent nodding. No outward or silent judging is going on. Just sheer approval.

The Absurd: Sculpture

This is reserved for people I just really want to mess with. This is the one that is especially dependent on my mood. Do I really want to be judged at that moment? Do I really want to deal with the judgment? Sometimes, yeah, I am in that mood. Sometimes I just want to get a reaction. I want to cause turmoil. Is that bad? Probably. Do I care right now? Not really because this makes my real major look at least 1.5 times better. Right?

So this is my plan. I think it’s a pretty good one.

*Oh, and by the way, no amount of judging or what you say is going to change my mind. I am a pretty stubborn person. I have my mind set. Do I know exactly what I am going to do after I graduate? No. I don’t. Does that bother me? Nope. So really, it shouldn’t bother you either.

;)

The Sarcasm Bell

I have been onto this idea for a while now.

I sometimes have communication issues.
Yes, I know you might be thinking that I am well-spoken, well-mannered, and possibly the most humble person you’ve ever met, but beyond all that, I have serious communication issues.

Let me key you in.
I am a fairly sarcastic person.

I am sorry if you didn’t know that until now because you probably hate my guts, and I can’t say I blame you.

I am probably really being serious maybe 12% of the time, mind you, that is a rough guesstimation. 

Yes, many people are sarcastic, but they don’t fit my particular breed of sarcasm. I don’t have that cheesy sarcasm show tune voice, like when people use “Well, you don’t say!” in that super annoying, over-the-top voice. I know you know what I’m talking about. My sarcasm often comes off as super serious. There is probably only a 2-degree difference between my sincerity and sarcasm. The problem, you ask? People sometimes think I am cold, harsh, and maybe arrogant. Which I don’t want to be at all. I want people to know I am kidding without adjusting my humor!

Sarcasm is also my number one defense mechanism. So people attack me with their sarcastic knife, and I defend myself with my sarcastic shield. But people don’t understand the sarcastic shield either, and they think I am being serious. They think I am genuinely hurt or something. No. I’m not. (Unless I think you’re being serious, then I’m not using the sarcasm shield, but I am using the “Are you freaking serious?” face, but that is a whole other topic for another time.) They often say to me “I’m just kidding!” Well, so am I!! Jeesh. People these days.

So I came up with a solution. No, I am not quitting sarcasm because that would just be malarkey. I would be surrendering a huge chunk of who I am, and that is not gonna fly. No, I am not going to use that show-tune sarcastic voice because well, that is cheesy, and I don’t really like cheese too much.

My solution: The sarcasm bell.

Occasionally I find myself ringing an invisible bell and just saying “Sarcasm bell! Yay!” after I see a person hurt/ confused/ angry after one of my comments. However, I want an actual bell. It needs to be attached to my keys, so that way, when a person is a victim of my sarcasm, I can just ring it!

I am thinking I should actually look into making this a business prospect. I can’t be the only person who suffers from this problem.

I probably need a sarcasm font too…