Backhanded Compliments

I don’t know when people decided backhanded compliments were an acceptable form of praise and encouragement. Worst idea ever. This coming from possibly one of the most (tastefully) offensive people I know, myself. If you’re going to compliment me, please go all out. It’s most flattering, and expect me to be especially thankful. If you want to critique me, please, by all means, go all out, and expect me to respond passive aggressively. It may burn, but I would rather it burn than feel the weird sensation of icy-hot that is backhanded compliments.

Examples, you ask? My pleasure.
(All of the following are dramatizations unless otherwise noted)

1. Me: So, remember that guy Ryan I told you about? Well, he asked me to go to dinner with him this weekend.

“Complimenter”: Really!? No way! I never thought a guy like him would ask a girl like you out on a date. He’s way hot. Props!

Time-out: I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to take this. A guy like him? Are you saying a hot guy can’t ask me out for dinner? What kind of girl does that make me? Not hot? And props? Really? Props? Who uses props (other than thespians) anymore? Icy-hot.

2. “Complimenter”: It’s too bad we can’t be roommates at Harvard. I was really looking forward to it. But you know, UGA’s not a bad school. I mean, it’s no Harvard, but it really is quite prestigious if you’re from Georgia.

Time-out: Are you really rubbing the fact that you got into Harvard and I didn’t into my face? I mean, that’s okay, you are making me feel better by telling me the school I did get into, even if it is no Harvard, is decent, if you’re from Georgia. But doesn’t the state of Georgia have one of the worst school systems in the nation? So I guess this does make me smart by Georgia standards indeed. Icy-hot.

3. “Complimenter”: You’re not as big as you used to be!

Time-out: So you’re saying I’m still big? Icy-hot.

4. Me: Just got a personal best on my mile! 7:30, baby!

“Complimenter”: Hmm, 7:30? Not bad! I must say, today was not my best day at all. 5:55 is not gonna cut it.

Time-out: Okay, it started out decent, but did you really have to go on? If 5:55 is not going to cut it, then what is my 7:30 to you? Thanks for making my personal best look embarrassing. Icy-hot.

5. “Complimenter”: You’re pretty now, so I can introduce you to my friends!
Time-out: (This one is a true story, no exaggeration. However, I’m not going to throw the person under the bus who said this to me. You know who you are.) So you’re definitely saying I wasn’t pretty before. I’m glad you think I’m pretty now though. But was I really so hideously troll-like before that you couldn’t introduce me to your friends? I am glad I have made such a miraculous transformation. Icy-hot.

So there you have it folks, backhanded compliments galore. Aren’t they fun? (Sarcasm bell) Give me the compliment or give me the critique, darn it! I don’t want this ambiguous backhanded compliment. Have the balls to say what you really mean! I can take it. I promise.