When Greetings Are No Longer As Simple As A Handshake

Okay, this next post is dedicated to my friend Jonathan.
A few words about Jonathan: Jonathan is one of my best friends. He is (almost) like a brother to me. Also, he is probably one of my number one fans, so I feel like owe this to him. Here’s to you Jonathan.

Discernment can be quite the challenge for some people. I find discernment even more challenging when you approach someone and they stick their hand out at you. Back in the olden days this would make for a simple exchange, you know, a simple handshake. However, this no longer suffices. Now when someone sticks their hand out at you, this can mean a multitude of things.

A Simple Handshake

No tricks, just a handshake.

The Not So Simple Handshake

This is where the tricks come into play. You know when you go in to give someone the Simple Handshake, but they have something else in mind? They want to make up some special handshake with you with all these different steps that you are supposed to remember. You just have to sit there and let them guide you in the steps, and smile and nod when they tell you that this is special between the two of you. You know you are not going to remember this, but you have to let them think you are.

The High Five (or the dreaded low five)

The simple extended hand can turn into a high five.

Unfortunately, it can also turn into the low five, which is totally awkward. Who low fives these days?

The Embrace

This is your simple full-frontal hug. Both arms are wrapped around the other person’s shoulders as an embrace.

The Bro Hug

This is the one-armed hug, not to be mistaken with the "Christian Side Hug." This is where only one arm fully embraces you because the other hand is normally holding something, for example, a can of beer.

The Frat Snap

This is the newest and possibly the most complicated of them all. I have yet to master this one. You know the flick of the hand that the fraternity brothers often exchange? Yes, this is the Frat Snap. Ask them how to do this. You probably won’t be exposed to this particular move unless you are around Frat brothers.

All of these begin with the simple gesture of extending your hand. The problem with having all these options is that you never know which one to expect, which leads to awkward encounters. I have had many a problem with discerning which one to use, and I am normally wrong.

I have gone for The Embrace when the other person was just looking for a high-five. This makes the other person think you are too touchy-feely, which leads to a very awkward exchange. I have also extended my hand for the handshake, when the other person went in for the hug. This makes the other person think you are standoffish. Also a very awkward encounter.

Now, I don’t consider myself touchy-feely or standoffish, it is just so hard to discern these days with all the different exchanges that come from an extended hand.

What’s a girl to do?

Feeling that Jon Acuff has Taken All the Good Material

When I first saw the “Stuff Christians Like” blog I was so excited. This Jon Acuff guy was putting to rest those stereotypes about Christians being one-dimensional. He was proving that Christians can and do have a sense of humor. Every time I found myself reading a post by him, I was nodding vehemently. Yes, yes, and yes.

But the more I read, the more those yeses started turning into no, no and more nos. He was taking all the good material! What could this potentially do to other aspiring comedic Christian bloggers? (because trust me, there are more of us) He was monopolizing the business. There is no share the wealth card in this generation of bloggers. So what did I do? Boycott “Stuff Christians Like.” Well no, not really because everything he said was so relevant and true. I just didn’t feel the need to write because he did it for me.

I really think this is why it took me so long to start a blog. Because Jon Acuff took all the good material. There was no way I could compete. I mean he has everything going for him. Except maybe the unibrow, but now I even think he has that going for him! I mean he makes such a big deal out of it, how can you know “Stuff Christian’s Like” without knowing Unibrowed Jon Acuff? People love it! What’s a college girl to do? So I just sat and read and enjoyed, only slightly bitter.

However, those days of reading are over because I have decided to do what I love and write, even if Jon Acuff has taken almost every possible thing I could think of to write about. I am going to try to find new material. And if you are reading this Jon, here I am to challenge you because you can’t monopolize Christian humor much longer. I am a force to be reckoned with. There is no more sitting back and reading for me. Are you intimidated? Because you should be.

**Just as a disclaimer, I want everyone to know I have the utmost respect for Jon Acuff. I think he is a phenomenal writer, and like I touched on already, I am just bitter because he has taken all the good ideas. His blog really has encouraged me to pursue my writing. It has shown me that there is a place for sarcastic Christians. Thanks Jon!